The Battle for Christmas: Which Christmas character would win an MMA Grand Prix?

Christmas is the very best time of 12 months, not due to the household or the kindness or the yuletide cheer, however as a result of yearly, Christmas brings with it one factor: freedom. For kids, it’s freedom from faculty, for adults, freedom from work, and for us right here at MMA Preventing, it’s the liberty to write down about almost something we wish.

No main MMA is occurring over the following few weeks, which opens up the door for some extra enjoyable endeavors. Final 12 months, that meant an 8,000-word brief story about Willy Wonka instructing classes to 5 MMA luminaries (which I consider is the very best factor I’ve ever written). This 12 months, we’re going barely extra conventional (solely barely).

An excellent individual by the identify of Eli requested me a query just lately, and it could be the very best query I’ve ever obtained:

“Who would win a Satisfaction-style match between all of the Christmas characters? I’d think about it’d be a toss-up between Santa and the Abominable Snowman, however I’d prefer to suppose Frosty would convey a Derrick Lewis-like vitality to the battle.”

So, with no fights on the horizon for fairly a while, how about we entertain just a few fictional fights and reply this query, besides with one main change: Satisfaction Grand Prix had been all the time 16-person occasions. There are FAR too many important Christmas characters to solely do a 16-team bracket. Let’s double it up and do 32 Christmas figures as a substitute.

However who to incorporate, and what precisely constitutes a Christmas character? Clearly, Santa Claus and Rudolph and Frosty are Christmas characters, however what about Jack Skelllington? Is he Christmas or Halloween? And, after all, there’s the endless debate about whether or not Die Laborious counts as a Christmas film.

So I made an govt resolution: any character who’s in a film, TV present, tune, business, poem, or e book that options Christmas is up for grabs (so sure, Die Laborious counts, and sure, Jack Skellington is in).

I then chosen our 32 combatants and broke them up into 4 areas: Elemental, Villain, Anthropomorphic, and Common Human Being. I then seeded the eight characters in every area, arrange the bracket, and now it’s time to do our very personal December Insanity.

Let’s ring these silver bells and get it on!

Spherical of 32

Elemental Area

Santa Claus vs. Snow Miser

An epic battle to kick issues off, Santa is, after all, the No. 1 general seed for this whole match, however he attracts a tough opening matchup towards Mr. Icicle, Mr. Ten Under himself. In spite of everything, Snow Miser is a huge ice elemental with the facility to show something he touches to snow. That’s a fairly highly effective man.

Sadly for Snow Miser, the UFC doesn’t maintain occasions exterior, and as he says in his personal tune, “I by no means need to know a day that’s over 40 levels.” Nicely, the T-Cellular Area in Las Vegas is often a tad hotter than that, and that’s greater than sufficient for Santa to dominate. Nevertheless, I feel we will all agree that Snow Miser’s walkout can be sensational. The man likes to placed on a present.

Santa Claus def. Snow Miser through TKO (melting), R1.

Jack Frost vs. Jack Skellington

It’s a Jack-off right here within the opening spherical!

Jack Frost is an fascinating fighter as a result of, relying in your supply, he’s some mixture of Outdated Man Winter and Puck from A Midsummer Night time’s Dream. Trickster demigods are all the time a troublesome out, however he’s acquired a tough battle as he faces his fellow Jack as a result of Skellington is the residing personification of Halloween and a mythological equal to St. Nick.

If this battle had been to happen in Halloweentown or throughout Halloween, Frost stands no likelihood; that might be like fist-fighting a shark in the course of the ocean. However within the octagon, issues get somewhat extra even. Sadly for Frost, they don’t get even sufficient, as Skellington continues to be a massively highly effective mythological character who’s constructed for MMA. The Pumpkin King has an impressively lengthy attain that he can use on the ft, and people lengthy arms make him a harmful submission risk always. Plus, he’s impervious to hurt. Skellington can take off his personal head for a joke, so what likelihood does somewhat Winter chill stand?

Skellington def. Jack Frost through Submission (Bermuda triangle choke), R2.

Ghost of Christmas Current vs. Krampus

Generally with tournaments like this, you want a play-in recreation. That’s what we did for the Ghosts of Christmas Previous, Current, and But To Come. The three of them had a king of the hill to find out who would characterize their pursuits, and, unsurprisingly, Current gained the day. In spite of everything, he’s a jolly large, whereas Previous is ephemeral, and But to Come is extraordinarily intimidating however in the end impotent in coping with present issues.

Krampus, in the meantime, is St. Nick’s right-hand man, however with a imply streak. In spite of everything, simply think about your brother does nothing however give out items to youngsters, and also you as a substitute resolve at hand out birch rods as punishment.

Anyone who has the inner make-up to punish youngsters has the required meanness to achieve the octagon. The Ghost of Christmas Current is just too jovial and too caught up within the second, and Krampus makes him pay.

Krampus def. The Ghost of Christmas Current through KO (horn smash), R2.

Mrs. Claus vs. Warmth Miser

Robust opening matchup for Mrs. Claus. Whereas her husband was well-suited to deal with Snow Miser, Mrs. Claus doesn’t have the identical skillset. Nevertheless, Mrs. Claus does have a specific set of expertise which can be an enormous benefit right here.

Sure, Warmth Miser is Mr. Warmth Blister, Mister 101, however what else he’s? A mama’s boy. In The Yr And not using a Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus dealt with Mr. Inexperienced Christmas by having a phrase together with his mother, Mom Nature, and she or he laid down the regulation. Do you suppose Warmth Miser goes to danger his mom’s wrath by beating up Mom Christmas? Not a snowball’s likelihood in his home.

Mrs. Claus def. Warmth Miser through forfeit.

Villain Area

The Grinch vs. The Mouse King

The No. 1 seed within the Villain Group, The Grinch has designs on stealing this entire factor. He’s not the most important or the quickest, however he is artful, and as we all know, the person (factor? who?) has miles and miles of coronary heart.

The Mouse King, contrastingly, has neither cleverness nor coronary heart. He’s mainly the precise reverse of Jerry. However whereas the Mouse King could also be formidable together with his military of mice, he doesn’t have these right here within the octagon. And if Clara throwing a shoe at him can distract him lengthy sufficient for the Nutcracker to defeat him, I’ve to consider The Grinch can discover a technique to get the Mouse King chasing after his personal tail.

The Grinch def. The Mouse King through Unanimous Determination.

Mr. Potter vs. Hans Gruber

Mr. Potter is presumably probably the most actually evil individual on this total Grand Prix. He’s a duplicitous, scummy, slum lord with no redeeming qualities who actively tries to get a person to commit suicide. And whereas that kind of vile remorselessness would usually imply he’s well-suited to MMA, he’s additionally a decrepit previous man.

Hans Gruber, to place it bluntly, shouldn’t be. Like Potter, Gruber can also be abjectly evil, however not like Potter, he’s exceedingly succesful. In spite of everything, one doesn’t simply take over Nakatomi Towers. Furthermore, whereas different characters may really feel some reticence to wail on an previous man like Potter, Gruber gained’t hesitate in any respect. That is probably the most lopsided battle of the opening spherical.

Hans Gruber def. Mr. Potter through KO (flying knee), R1

Harry & Marv vs. Bumble, the Abominable Snowmonster of the North

You’re most likely considering to your self, “That is an MMA battle, you possibly can’t have two folks!” Usually, you’d be proper, however you’re forgetting that that is the Villain area. The Moist/Sticky Bandits don’t play by the principles.

Fortuitously for Bumble, they’re additionally incompetent buffoons. These are two grown males who acquired spun in circles by an eight-year-old twice! Now, the Abominable Snowman isn’t the brightest bulb, however he’s nonetheless a Bigfoot, and whereas Harry and Marv are undeniably robust, they aren’t prepared for this yeti.

Bumble the Abominable Snowman def. Harry and Marv through dominant Unanimous Determination.

Ebenezer Scrooge vs. Scut Farkus

For many of A Christmas Carol, Scrooge is a bitter previous man who hates almost the whole lot. Nevertheless, one of many issues we do know he can do is bully children round. Scut Farkus might have been the fear of Warren G. Harding Elementary, however he additionally acquired whomped by a child half his dimension. Scrooge has this one within the bag.

Ebenezer Scrooge def. Scut Farkus through Verbal Submission to Strikes, R2

Anthropomorphic Character Area

Rudolph the Pink-Nosed Reindeer vs. Dominick the Donkey

This can be a traditional matchup of an elite man taking over any person who is rather like him, solely worse in each side. Rudolph is an icon for a motive, and whereas we will all admire what Dominick the Donkey does for the youngsters of Italy, this isn’t the regional circuit anymore. That is the very best on this planet we’re speaking about and Dominick is just out-classed.

Rudolph the Pink-Nosed Reindeer def. Dominick the Donkey through TKO (antler smash), R3.

Coca-Cola Polar Bear vs. Cindy Lou Who

Not solely are the Coca-Cola Polar Bears friggin’ polar bears, they’re polar bears which can be hopped up on sugar and caffeine. Now, is that a terrific long-term hydration technique? No, no it’s not. However Cindy Lou Who’s going to get swatted out of the cage earlier than whichever bear competes has had time to sugar crash.

The Coca-Cola Polar Bear def. Cindy Lou Who through KO (mauling), R1.

The Nutcracker vs. Six Geese-A-Laying

Everyone knows who The Nutcracker is. He’s a standup man, possibly somewhat fancy, however he doesn’t thoughts placing within the work. Salt of the Earth. However have you ever ever met a goose?

Geese are fairly presumably the meanest creatures God ever strung a intestine via. And a mom goose with contemporary eggs? Whoa, buddy, I’d reasonably tussle with an irate rattlesnake. And that is six of these suckers, too. As quickly because the cage door closes, the Nutcracker might be beset on all sides by a blur of feathers, beaks, and ache. My man wanted Clara to throw a shoe to bail him out of a battle with mice; the geese are going to batter him.

Six Geese-A-Laying def. The Nutcracker through TKO (damaged jaw), R2.

Frosty the Snowman vs. Max the Canine

Frosty the Snowman was a jolly, pleased soul. That’s not precisely the sort of begin we wish when speaking a couple of cage-fighting match. Neither is a button nostril, I imply, discuss a goal.

However that’s not Frosty’s largest situation right here. His largest downside is that whereas Max the Canine isn’t a violent creature by nature, he’s a canine, and canines are the pure enemy of snow. Poor Frosty might be in a puddle very quickly, and actually, that’s a horrible technique to go.

Max the Canine def. Frosty the Snowman through TKO (yellow snow), R1

Common Human Area

Buddy the Elf vs. Tiny Tim

In each sports activities bracket, there’s a one-seed that appears beatable; Buddy is that for this one. No disrespect to the star of Elf, however this isn’t a snowball battle. Buddy has some expertise however not a ton of fight expertise. Fortuitously, he’s matched up towards a sickly little one within the first spherical.

Look, all of us respect Tiny Tim’s moxie, and we want him nothing however the very best, but it surely’s not clear why he even agreed to participate on this Grand Prix or how he was medically cleared to compete. Nevertheless, right here he’s, and no less than he gained’t get harm too badly as Buddy is a mild soul.

Buddy the Elf def. Tiny Tim through Break up Determination the place Buddy by accident hurts Tim by frolicking too laborious collectively.

George Bailey vs. John McClane

Poor George Bailey. He was simply beginning to notice that It’s a Fantastic Life and now that life may finish. Bailey is an efficient, respectable individual, however he’s acquired a whole lot of stop in him, and John McClane completely doesn’t. This can be a bloodbath.

John McClane def. George Bailey through TKO (beatdown), R1.

Ralphie Parker vs. Howard Langston

Speak about a matchup of fellows who need it. Did you see Ralphie Parker wallop Farkus in A Christmas Story? Child is twice his dimension and he took it took him. We like to see that kind of chutzpah. Besides on this occasion.

Other than being Arnold Schwarzenegger, he’s additionally Turbo Man and goes throughout Hell’s Half Acre to return via for his child. Ralphie is a child, however he’s not Langston’s child, and we noticed how he handled Sinbad in Jingle All of the Manner. Langston isn’t letting Ralphie win. The boy has coronary heart, however this can be a matter of physics.

Howard Langston def. Ralphie Parker through KO (Turbo Punch), R1.

Kevin McCallister vs. Yukon Cornelius

At eight years previous, Kevin McCallister not solely survived for per week on his personal, he turned his mother or father’s residence right into a Noticed-esque demise entice to defend it towards hardened criminals. Then he did it once more with a random brownstone in New York! This child is Hannibal from the A-Staff; you give him sufficient prep time, and he’s unbeatable.

Credit score to Yukon Cornelius for besting Bumble the Abominable Snowman, however he’s by no means tangled with this twisted little eight-year-old. McCallister is a darkish horse to win the entire thing.

Kevin McCallister def. Yukon Cornelius through Verbal Submission (unlawful strikes that the ref simply let occur), R3.

Spherical of 16

Elemental Area

Santa Claus vs. Jack Skellington

I feel all of us anticipate Santa making a deep run on this Grand Prix, however he’s not getting any sugar-cookie matchups. In The Nightmare Earlier than Christmas, we noticed Skellington orchestrate Santa’s kidnapping, so we all know he’s able to pulling a quick one on Father Christmas.

That being stated, issues are completely different this time round. Père Noël isn’t going to be caught unaware, and whereas Skellington was artful sufficient to outmaneuver Oogie Boogie, Santa’s bag isn’t only for toys, he’s acquired an terrible lot of tips in there as effectively.

Santa Claus def. Jack Skellington through Break up Determination

Krampus vs. Mrs. Claus

This proper here’s a story as previous as time: in-laws feuding. After dispatching Skellington, Santa now has to observe his brother and his spouse do battle, realizing he should face the winner. Which is best for St. Nick? He doesn’t need his spouse to lose, however may he actually battle her if he needed to?

We’ll by no means know as a result of Krampus takes her down. Mrs. Claus is barely about 175 years previous, whereas Krampus has presumably been round for millennia. That’s a giant edge in expertise for the previous winter god.

Krampus def. Mrs. Claus through Unanimous Determination

Villain Area

The Grinch vs. Hans Gruber

One of many issues that occurs to all fighters as they age is that they lose their edge. It’s laborious to remain motivated for years on finish, particularly as you mature, and sadly for The Grinch, that’s what’s occurred right here.

A number of years in the past, when The Grinch was in peak hating type, he would have been nigh unstoppable. In spite of everything, the man stole a vacation! That’s far more spectacular than merely stealing cash like Gruber tried (and failed) to do. Nevertheless it’s not just a few years in the past. The Grinch made peace with The Whos, and now he’s all kumbaya. That’s not the right mentality for a fistfight towards a professional psychopath.

Hans Gruber def. The Grinch through TKO (slam), R1

Bumble, the Abominable Snowman vs. Ebenezer Scrooge

On paper, this must be a complete mismatch. Scrooge is effectively previous his prime and the Abominable Snowman is a freaking sasquatch. However that’s why we battle the fights, children!

Sure, Bumble has a large bodily benefit, however he’s not precisely probably the most intelligent creature strolling the Earth, and Scrooge has near-limitless assets as a consequence of his wealth. Ebenezer brings Yukon Cornelius into his camp to arrange and pulls off the huge upset.

Ebenezer Scrooge def. Bumble, the Abominable Snowman through TKO (physician stoppage as a consequence of Robert Whittaker-esque tooth harm).

Anthropomorphic Area

Rudolph the Pink-Nosed Reindeer vs. Coca-Cola Polar Bear

In line with the World Wildlife Basis, polar bears are pure predators of reindeer, so this can be a fairly robust draw for Ruddy. As such, when the Jingle Bells ring to begin this spherical, the Coca-Cola Polar Bear comes out aggressive and assured. Some may say too assured.

There’s a fairly large distinction between Rudolph and any previous reindeer as a result of Santa’s No. 1 reindeer may fly. Wild reindeer would fare lots higher towards polar bears if that they had the reward of levitation at their disposal, and Rudolph makes use of that, plus his blinding nostril to evade and disorient the Coca-Cola Polar Bear. After a couple of minutes of wildly slashing round, the Coca-Cola Polar Bear’s gasoline tank plummets, and Rudolph’s rope-a-dope technique pays off because the Coke mascot is betrayed by his personal Coca-Cola consumption.

Rudolph the Pink-Nosed Reindeer def. The Coca-Cola Polar Beer through TKO (exhaustion), R3

Six Geese-A-Laying vs. Max the Canine

This can be a bloodbath. Max was lucky with an ideal stylistic matchup within the opening spherical, however he’s woefully ill-equipped to take care of six demonic hell-spawns besieging him. Even in case you gave him his Rudolph antler, it wouldn’t be sufficient of a bonus. He’s pressured to flee from the cage to guard himself, however the Geese chase him right through the gang and into the again anyway.

Six Geese-A-Laying def. Max the Canine through DQ (leaving the cage)

Common Human Area

Buddy the Elf vs. John McClane

“Hello! I’m Buddy the Elf, what’s your favourite shade?”

“YIPPEE KI-YAY, MOTHERF*CKER!!!!!!”

John McClane def. Buddy the Elf through unsettlingly brutal KO, R1

Howard Langston vs. Kevin McCallister

As I stated earlier than, I’ve acquired a whole lot of respect for what Howard Langston was keen to undergo to get his son a Turbo Man doll, however he didn’t undergo the McCallister Home of Horrors. Not like Ralphie, this child’s a straight-up killer who will use each device at his disposal to get the job accomplished.

Kevin McCallister def. Howard Langston through KO (skateboard within the cage), R1.

Quarterfinals

Santa Claus vs. Krampus (Elemental Area Champ)

One other story as previous as time: two brothers preventing. For Santa, he must avenge his spouse and likewise preserve the established order; for Krampus, that is his likelihood to lastly escape the shadow of his wildly profitable older brother.

However as each little brother is aware of, there are some issues you possibly can’t escape. Positive, you may win one from time to time, however the older brother all the time has the psychological edge, and so Krampus falls, as soon as once more, to Father Christmas.

Santa Claus def. Krampus through large Unanimous Determination

Ebenezer Scrooge vs. Hans Gruber (Villain Area Champ)

Scrooge pulled off a giant upset final spherical, however that’s to not be within the Regional Finals as a result of whereas he has all the cash he must afford top-of-the-line coaching, so does Gruber. On prime of that, someplace deep inside, Scrooge is an efficient individual, whereas Gruber is rotten to the core. In a battle of villains, all the time guess on the extra evil one.

Hans Gruber def. Ebenezer Scrooge through KO (entrance kick), R1

Rudolph the Pink-Nosed Reindeer vs. Six Geese-A-Laying (Anthropomorphic Area Champ)

Rudolph scraped out a win in a nasty matchup final spherical as a consequence of a mixture of moxie and magic, however there’s solely a lot you are able to do when confronted with the unmitigated viciousness of geese.

Rudolph’s capacity to fly doesn’t imply a factor to The Gaggle, and his shining nostril solely enrages them additional. The Gaggle swarms him, and it’s the identical story as all of the others who fall earlier than this flock.

The rating committee might have given the Six Geese-A-Laying brief shrift as a result of this Cinderella story retains proper on rolling.

Six Geese-A-Laying def. Rudolph the Pink-Nosed Reindeer through TKO (beak strikes), R2

Kevin McCallister vs. John McClane (Common Human Area Champ)

That is undeniably the matchup of the quarterfinals and arguably the very best matchup of your complete Grand Prix. We’ve acquired John McClane, the nice improviser, taking over the very best game-planner within the match. Can McClane make the changes mid-fight to beat McCallister’s preparation?

Sure. Sure he can. John McClane is a person who, when thrown into the center of a terrorist plot throughout a Christmas social gathering for his estranged spouse, finds a technique to make it work. McCallister units the tone early, however McClane figures out his tips, and halfway via the second spherical, it seems to be like McClane is effectively on his technique to victory. The truth is, his cornerman, Sgt. Al Powell, even tells him precisely that between rounds because the New York Metropolis police detective has clearly seized management.

BUT WAIT!

The factor about Kevin McCallister is that he all the time has plans inside plans. Positive, you may determine a means round his preliminary assault, however there’s all the time one other layer beneath it that you just don’t see coming, and within the ultimate spherical, McCallister deploys his biggest tactic: assault the ft.

McClane’s ft have by no means fairly recovered from the shards of damaged glass he suffered in Nakatomi Towers, and if there’s one factor McCallister is aware of learn how to do, it’s jerry-rig some caltrops. McCallister “by accident” spills some ice and makes use of that to take McClane off his ft and out of the sport.

Kevin McCallister def. John McClane through Unanimous Determination

Semifinals

Santa Claus vs. Hans Gruber

In a shocking twist, Santa Claus is the one one-seed nonetheless remaining, however to remain alive, he’s acquired to get previous one of many biggest villains of all time, who has demolished all of his competitors this far within the Grand Prix.

Yeah, Santa can do this.

The factor about Huge Pink is he’s a machine. When you’re a fellow Elemental/God, then no less than you’re competing on the identical phrases. However for as villainous as Hans Gruber is, he’s nonetheless only a man. And a Naughty one at that. A very long time in the past, Santa found out learn how to take care of the Naughty-listers, and Gruber is about to get beat with a stocking stuffed with coal.

Santa Claus def. Hans Gruber vs. KO (coal shellacking), R1.

Kevin McCallister vs. Six Geese-A-Laying

If there’s one factor we’ve realized on this Grand Prix, it’s that you just by no means underestimate how large of bastards geese are. They’re the worst. But when there’s one other factor we’ve realized, it’s that Kevin McCallister fears no creature on this Earth. Come hell or excessive water, McCallister goes to face and battle.

And that’s a terrific factor towards The Gaggle as a result of at their core, all geese are bullies. And as Ralphie realized in A Christmas Story, in case you stand as much as bullies, they have a tendency to again down. So when Kevin doesn’t tuck tail and run on the first goosey flurry, The Gaggle is out of the blue at a loss. And as soon as Kevin has you considering, it’s already too late.

Positive, The Gaggle’s flying capacity renders McCallister’s caltrops techniques ineffective, however what it will probably’t account for? His BB gun. Kevin distracts referee Herb Dean with a large tarantula that he borrowed from Jalin Turner after which whips out his Pink Ryder Carbine-action 200-shot Vary Mannequin Air Rifle and places six photographs into The Gaggle. All of the sudden, these six geese are a-laying-down and out for the depend, and it’s on to the finals for Mr. McCallister.

Kevin McCallister def. The Six Geese-A-Laying through TKO (eye accidents), R2

Finals

And that brings us to the finals. Jolly Outdated St. Nicholas vs. The Terror of the Chicago Suburbs. The nice break-in artist vs. the personification of residence safety. That is the ultimate we deserve.

In some ways, McCallister has been making ready to battle the large man his total life. In a really actual sense, Kevin now views the octagon as his residence, and he has to defend it. So he deploys all his crafty and wiles to show the octagon right into a human Battlebots area. McCallister electrifies the fence, units entice blowtorches to sure cage commercials, and even rigs a collection of paint canisters from the lighting construction.

However he doesn’t cease there. McCallister breaks out the old-school preventing cheats: greasing himself up, laborious plaster in his hand wraps, secret juice in his water, coating his gloves in caustic substance so he can blind Santa, the works. McCallister plies the depth of his devious soul to seek out a bonus on this match.

And it’s all for naught.

That is Santa we’re speaking about. You’ll be able to’t out-think or out-maneuver him. He sees you whenever you’re sleeping; he is aware of whenever you’re awake. He is aware of whenever you’ve been dangerous or good, and he is aware of precisely what traps you’ve laid for him on this ultimate bout. He’s inevitable.

Fortuitously for McCallister, although his techniques verge on soiled, Santa additionally understands that he’s simply an eight-year-old boy, and people are his folks, in spite of everything. He gently places Kevin to mattress for a protracted winter’s nap, leaving the boy a present for when he wakes up.

Santa Claus def. Kevin McCallister by Submission (sleeper maintain), R1 to change into the undisputed MMA Christmas Character champion!

Actually, may it have ended every other means? Thanks for studying, love y’all, and Merry Christmas!